Things that I am grateful for today

I am one of those people who cannot practice gratitude enough; I have a natural inclination towards pessimism and am very good at finding problems or potential pitfalls. (Possible spoilers for Obsession and I’m Thinking of Ending Things ahead.)

A movie I recently watched was Obsession. Now, aside from the fact that I can watch it freely with a friend, which is very cool, I think it used poetry quite well. There is a scene where Nikki is crashing out about Bear wanting to go sleep at his friend's house, and she suddenly stops and delivers the following monologue:

“Well, if I have the bed all to myself tonight, I'll lay there warm until slowly I feel cold, like I walked into a freezer. My hands will feel like they're full of sand, like when you lay on them wrong. And that feeling will slowly spread across my entire body. You're still in my heart, but you're slipping. Any thought of pain or regret will slip away like a chemical switch. Even though it's quiet in the room, somehow it gets even quieter. It's not painful. You just let go of everything you once were. And then there's nothing. It's not darkness. No, sweetie. Darkness is a color. There's just nothing. Nothing. Or you could stay.”

Nikki (Inde Navarrette is an incredible actress) is threatening to kill herself if Bear leaves, however I can’t put into words how much more I love this calm, cool, but entirely unhinged way of communicating it. It is also so delightfully detailed. My hands will feel like when you lay on them wrong—the feeling of pins and needles comes from when you pinch a nerve or stop blood from flowing properly. Her account of death is mesmerizing: the room is quiet, but somehow it gets quieter, and she draws that brilliant differentiation between existing and perceiving darkness versus just not existing at all. I really love it and think it is incredible. There is another scene where Nikki delivers an entirely unhinged poem; however, that one is incredibly inappropriate so I will not reproduce it here, but it creates a similar vibe. Nikki is clearly mentally unwell, but it is expressed in an artistic, fluffy way.

Another movie that does this well is I’m Thinking of Ending Things (trailer: https://youtu.be/cDTg62vsV4U?si=PIT1rQm9We12zGeX). In this movie, it is the male protagonist who is deeply unwell, and it explores this through very unnerving but deeply human experiences. I really hope to see more psychological horrors and thrillers in this vein.

I am also incredibly grateful to be able to breathe through my nose again. I am recovering from being sick for a few days and, my god, what an unbelievable privilege it is to have a healthy body. I am grateful for Ubisoft; they have remade Assassin's Creed: Black Flag, which I have been playing and is a lot of fun. I am grateful for my friends—each offers their own set of intricacies and joys.

I am particularly grateful for an interesting conversation I had with a friend the other day, the same friend who put me onto Obsession. Those who know my reading habits will know that I have a soft spot for the Russian writers of the 19th century. Something that makes this cohort of writers particularly engaging is that they are critically engaging with the "modern man." Think of characters like Raskolnikov, Bazarov, Ivan Ilyich, or Andrey Kovrin; these are men who have massive philosophical or political ideas, but have to reckon with being mere men. It is this sketch of a modern man that, to me, is the key to these novels.

Now, obviously, the world we live in now is incredibly different from 19th-century Russia, so a new sketch is needed. I do not take the contemporary modern man to be this "red-pilled" archetype, though they may be the majority. I am interested in the men who can meaningfully reject red-pill ideology and try to be something different. Here, I think men fall into two camps: the camp that successfully becomes something unique, and the camp that falls into this other contemporary archetype.

To me, this second archetype is represented by public figures like Ludwig or Atrioc, and the worst versions are fictional characters like Bear or the male protagonist from I’m Thinking of Ending Things. They possess traits of being somewhat cowardly, not particularly ambitious, and not particularly interesting—but stable. I do not mean to negatively valence this archetype; these are people who are often successful, reliable partners and parents, and generally what we would call "good men."

A lot of these ideas emerged in conversation with my friend, and for that conversation I am grateful, because accurately capturing this archetype is something of a holy grail to me. To be honest, I have largely given up on having interesting conversations of this sort. A lot of these ideas exist for me in a specific context—that of meta-ethics or existential philosophy—and almost no one I know has any real engagement with these ideas. When you talk with them, you get their very first thoughts on the concept, which are largely uninteresting to me. Please do not take this as a form of snobbery. The analogy I like is that it’s like playing chess against a brand-new player. They simply do not understand how the different pieces connect, so they do not see what I see. Watching them discover those initial elements just doesn't push the envelope. In the same way that chess is most engaging when you play against someone of equivalent skill, speaking about these philosophical topics is the same. The joy is in striving to understand more.

I will briefly make one more comment on the above idea before talking about the final thing I am grateful for. I wonder if Nietzsche had some sense of the man I am describing. Here is a quote from the prologue of Thus Spoke Zarathustra:

“Behold. I show you the last man. 'What is love? What is creation? What is longing? What is a star?' - so asks the last man and blinks. The earth has then become small, and on it there hops the last man who makes everything small. His race is as ineradicable as the flea; the last man lives longest. 'We have invented happiness', say the last men, and they blink. They have left the regions where it was hard to live; for one needs warmth. One still loves one's neighbor and rubs against him; for one needs warmth. Becoming ill and being distrustful, they consider sinful: one proceeds carefully. He is a fool who still stumbles over stones or men! A little poison now and then: that makes pleasant dreams. And much poison in the end, for a pleasant death. One still works, for work is entertaining. But one is careful lest the entertainment should assault you. One no longer becomes poor or rich; both are too burdensome. Who still wants to rule? Who still wants to obey? Both are too burdensome. No shepherd and one herd! Everyone wants the same; everyone is the same: he who feels differently goes voluntarily into the madhouse. 'Formerly all the world was insane', say the most refined, and they blink. They are clever and know all that has happened: so there is no end to their mockery. People still quarrel, but they are soon reconciled - otherwise it might spoil their digestion. They have their little pleasures for the day, and their little pleasures for the night, but they have a regard for health. 'We have invented happiness,' say the last men, and they blink.”

Nietzsche doesn’t like this Last Man, however, I think the feeling is mutual. I do not think there is much respect for Nietzsche in pop culture or in academic philosophy. There isn’t much more to say on that point.

I am grateful that the world is such that I can see my family easily—that my mum and my sister can come and see me, and that I can go and see my cousins in a few weeks' time. I am grateful that my family is so amazing. I look around at others in my life and think truly, I am the most fortunate of all to have two parents who love me and want what is best for me; that whenever I have the slightest concern, I can talk to either of them and they will offer sound counsel. I am grateful that I have two incredible sisters, who are very likely two of the most incredible people who walk this planet. All of this is a blessing which, the more I look, the rarer I realize it is. When I know 10 people, I feel like the only one out of 10, and when I know 100 people, I still feel like the only person out of 100.

Life is good.